Thank you for your prayers. Many people told me they would pray specifically for peace during the ultrasound appointment today, and He answered in a big way. I actually smiled during the process - several times. It was amazing to see all of the things that are right with Matthew. He still has serious complications, but there were good signs too. We were able to see him for a long time, from just about every angle possible. The technician was wonderful and answered all of the questions she was able to.
I know I haven't gone into a lot of detail before about exactly what issues he faces. That is by design. When you picture him, I don't want you to picture what is wrong. I want you to have a picture of a beautiful creation of God. A child formed by Him and loved by Him. This appointment has relieved a lot of the fear I had about the first moment we are able to see Matthew and hold him. We still don’t know when that moment will be or how long his life will bless us on this earth, but we will continue to trust in the heart of God. Even though it is impossible to understand the whys, we are holding tightly to the One in control.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Prayer Request
We have another ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday) at 1:00. Several have asked lately how they could pray specifically for us. One specific request I have is for peace during this appointment. The days and moments leading up to these ultrasounds always cause some anxiety and fear. We so long to hear good news, but we haven't so far. Even though the news was very devastating at the last one, I know God was showering us with His wonderful peace while we were there. Would you please pray for that same peace as we see Matthew again tomorrow? Thank you!
I will try to post after the appointment to let you know how it went.
I will try to post after the appointment to let you know how it went.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Stacy's Story
Every day I check a blog written by Stacy, another mother in a similar situation. I consider reading hers posts therapy. I truly believe God led me to her site. The experiences she talked about in her post today "The Fourth Part 2" are very similar to ours. If you have time, and want to further understand how we feel, read this post.
http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your prayers, I know He is listening.
http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your prayers, I know He is listening.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Still Beating
Just a quick post to say that his heart is still beating. Statistics say it is rare to go past 20 weeks, that is next week. I appreciate your prayers for all of us. Please don't stop praying for a miracle, but also for us to continue to trust that God knows what He is doing. His timing is perfect. We know that Matthew's life has meaning and purpose, whether he goes home to heaven tomorrow or 100 years from now.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
A Little Slice of Heaven
School started yesterday for the teachers. We had our morning meeting, and then worked in our classrooms for the rest of the day. The meeting went much better than I had expected. I had been a little nervous about my emotional stability, but I enjoyed seeing everyone again and meeting the new teachers. I was able to hold things together until I got down to my room.
I am so blessed to work in that environment. It is filled with so many wonderful people who not only have comforting words to share, but also comforting shoulders to cry on.
The reason I am posting this today is because I was so encouraged by the words I just read of another mother who recently went through a similar situation. She calls it "A Little Slice of Heaven." I hope she won't mind, but I am including a link to her blog:
http://www.tstapes.blogspot.com/
She discusses the Hebrews passage about running a race and compares it to the Olympic runners. I love the way she puts things, especially this part:
"They start ready. They have trained and prepared for this one moment. Their one chance at Olympic gold. Head down, the gun fires. I watch as they keep that posture, their head down, until they reach their stride. It is almost as if they push through the resistance that the air presses against them... fighting opposition and pressing forward with power. Then their head comes up, chest high, and they run their race.
I can't help but think about how this reminds me of us in our faith. We start out with our knees bowed and our head down. We come humbly before our God ready, yet intimidated a bit at the race before us. He calls us, gives us what we need to persevere, and we start our race fighting opposition as it seems to consume us. But our head comes up, our eyes become fixed upon Christ and we find our stride. We run our race. . ."
If you have time to check it out, I believe you will be blessed by her story.
I was also very touched by an email I received from Sharon yesterday. She is so wise and the love of Christ shines radiantly in her. She talked about one of my favorite passages in the Bible, the passage where Paul talks about God being able to use us in our weakness. That always brings me comfort and hope that God can use me, even when I so often feel inadequate.
As I said before, I believe God is helping me see that we all have burdens to carry in this world. We have great joys, but also great sorrows. We need each other to get through. My prayer is that I could be for others what they have been for me – someone filled with compassion who listens, comforts, prays, and always has a loving shoulder to cry on. In other words, “Jesus with skin on.”
I am so blessed to work in that environment. It is filled with so many wonderful people who not only have comforting words to share, but also comforting shoulders to cry on.
The reason I am posting this today is because I was so encouraged by the words I just read of another mother who recently went through a similar situation. She calls it "A Little Slice of Heaven." I hope she won't mind, but I am including a link to her blog:
http://www.tstapes.blogspot.com/
She discusses the Hebrews passage about running a race and compares it to the Olympic runners. I love the way she puts things, especially this part:
"They start ready. They have trained and prepared for this one moment. Their one chance at Olympic gold. Head down, the gun fires. I watch as they keep that posture, their head down, until they reach their stride. It is almost as if they push through the resistance that the air presses against them... fighting opposition and pressing forward with power. Then their head comes up, chest high, and they run their race.
I can't help but think about how this reminds me of us in our faith. We start out with our knees bowed and our head down. We come humbly before our God ready, yet intimidated a bit at the race before us. He calls us, gives us what we need to persevere, and we start our race fighting opposition as it seems to consume us. But our head comes up, our eyes become fixed upon Christ and we find our stride. We run our race. . ."
If you have time to check it out, I believe you will be blessed by her story.
I was also very touched by an email I received from Sharon yesterday. She is so wise and the love of Christ shines radiantly in her. She talked about one of my favorite passages in the Bible, the passage where Paul talks about God being able to use us in our weakness. That always brings me comfort and hope that God can use me, even when I so often feel inadequate.
As I said before, I believe God is helping me see that we all have burdens to carry in this world. We have great joys, but also great sorrows. We need each other to get through. My prayer is that I could be for others what they have been for me – someone filled with compassion who listens, comforts, prays, and always has a loving shoulder to cry on. In other words, “Jesus with skin on.”
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Our Beloved Gift From God
First of all, I would love to tell you what we’ve decided to name our beloved gift from God, Matthew David. It was very important to us to choose a name that has great significance. After searching for the perfect name we decided on Matthew because it means gift from God. That is absolutely how we always want to remember him, a precious gift to our family, just wrapped a little differently. Here is a quote borrowed from a website for others going through a similar diagnosis, “God’s gifts are never what we expect. The trick is not to be confused by the wrapping paper, but to be sure to open the gift.” His middle name, David, means beloved, and he definitely is. I was also drawn to this name because of Grandpa and Grandma B’s beloved son David. I thought it would be a special way to honor his life.
I feel like God has been teaching me so much lately. It is hard to put it together in a cohesive format, so forgive me if I ramble and jump around a bit.
One of the main things I think God is teaching me is to walk through this world with my eyes more open to the pain of those around me. Yes, what I am going through hurts. A lot. But I am certainly not the only one who suffers, nor is my suffering the greatest there is to bear. One friend suffers from the loss of a very close relationship, another from watching her father go through a difficult time; yet another from an illness that causes her body pain daily, and a brother from the devastating toll of the flood. The list goes on and on. I always thought myself to be a fairly compassionate person. To be honest, though, I believe I get far too caught up in my own world. I hope that this experience will cause me to continually become more in tune to the lives of those around me so as to help bear their burdens by lifting them up in prayer, helping them physically, or by simply telling them I care.
This world is certainly not as God had originally intended. When sin entered it, so did suffering and pain. But we are not to lose hope; God has a plan to redeem this imperfect world. “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” ~John 16:33 As Pastor Mark brought up on Sunday, the Bible says our life is like a vapor, a mist that last for a moment. This fact isn’t brought up to depress us, but to help us realize that something far greater is coming. Even though our life on earth is a vapor, God cares deeply for us. If in doubt, read Psalm 139. For those who accept God’s free gift of salvation, we will have an eternity in heaven where there is no more pain or sorrow “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4
I remember hearing a message a long time ago about realizing that we need to hold all things with an open hand. God often does bless us with many material things like clothing, the latest electronic gadgets, cars, homes, etc. Yet, none of these things last forever. So we don’t hold onto material things with a clenched fist, but instead an open hand. We know they can be taken away as easily as they came. And while I believe He does give us these things to enjoy, they will never be the source of true joy anyway.
This open hand word picture isn’t too difficult to accept with regard to material things, but what about people? What about the fact that God asks us to hold the people we love so much with an open hand? That’s much, much harder, isn’t it? Yet, it is still true. We want to cling to those we love so tightly and never let them go. . . We need to trust God with loved ones too. This relates to relatively easy things like letting your children drive by themselves for the first time or sending them off to college. (Not always easy.) It also applies to the much more difficult times like watching life slip away from your husband, brother, or child while you stand by watching, helpless to stop it. In Psalm 139:16 we read “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” In other words He is in control of the number of days each of us lives on this earth and His timing is perfect.
A friend recommended I let people know how they should respond to us. I can understand that you might worry that if you mention him, you will make us sad. Or, maybe you just don’t know what to say, you might be afraid that what you do say may upset us. Please don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. I realize it is awkward to talk to us about this. Speaking for myself, whenever anyone does mention him to me, no matter what you say, what I hear is, “I care.” That is all I need and I really need it. Another thing I have found I relish more than ever lately are all of the hugs. Just a warning though, they help me so much that I may never want to let go. Even though God’s peace is so overwhelming right now and I am usually doing well emotionally, I have another warning - if you ask me how I am doing, please be prepared for the answer, it may involve many tears – usually not, but I never know.
I have been asked how people should pray for us. Do they pray that God calls Matthew home sooner rather than later? This would make the delivery easier and allow for us to move on and heal sooner. (Maybe) However, the truth is, my desire is to carry him for as long as possible, I never want to say good-bye. I look forward to every little kick and movement I feel. I know that, except for God’s divine intervention, even greater pain and loss is coming, but I cherish each day I have with him here on earth. I suppose the best prayer you could pray is simply that God’s will be done and that the family and I have the strength to accept God’s perfect timing and the peace He promises through it all. Also, please continue to pray that our beloved gift from God has a great impact on many lives, that God will use his life in ways we could never have imagined possible.
Thank you again for the notes, calls, and cards. Every kind word, even the simplist "I care," has helped so much more than you realize. God bless you!
I feel like God has been teaching me so much lately. It is hard to put it together in a cohesive format, so forgive me if I ramble and jump around a bit.
One of the main things I think God is teaching me is to walk through this world with my eyes more open to the pain of those around me. Yes, what I am going through hurts. A lot. But I am certainly not the only one who suffers, nor is my suffering the greatest there is to bear. One friend suffers from the loss of a very close relationship, another from watching her father go through a difficult time; yet another from an illness that causes her body pain daily, and a brother from the devastating toll of the flood. The list goes on and on. I always thought myself to be a fairly compassionate person. To be honest, though, I believe I get far too caught up in my own world. I hope that this experience will cause me to continually become more in tune to the lives of those around me so as to help bear their burdens by lifting them up in prayer, helping them physically, or by simply telling them I care.
This world is certainly not as God had originally intended. When sin entered it, so did suffering and pain. But we are not to lose hope; God has a plan to redeem this imperfect world. “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” ~John 16:33 As Pastor Mark brought up on Sunday, the Bible says our life is like a vapor, a mist that last for a moment. This fact isn’t brought up to depress us, but to help us realize that something far greater is coming. Even though our life on earth is a vapor, God cares deeply for us. If in doubt, read Psalm 139. For those who accept God’s free gift of salvation, we will have an eternity in heaven where there is no more pain or sorrow “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4
I remember hearing a message a long time ago about realizing that we need to hold all things with an open hand. God often does bless us with many material things like clothing, the latest electronic gadgets, cars, homes, etc. Yet, none of these things last forever. So we don’t hold onto material things with a clenched fist, but instead an open hand. We know they can be taken away as easily as they came. And while I believe He does give us these things to enjoy, they will never be the source of true joy anyway.
This open hand word picture isn’t too difficult to accept with regard to material things, but what about people? What about the fact that God asks us to hold the people we love so much with an open hand? That’s much, much harder, isn’t it? Yet, it is still true. We want to cling to those we love so tightly and never let them go. . . We need to trust God with loved ones too. This relates to relatively easy things like letting your children drive by themselves for the first time or sending them off to college. (Not always easy.) It also applies to the much more difficult times like watching life slip away from your husband, brother, or child while you stand by watching, helpless to stop it. In Psalm 139:16 we read “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” In other words He is in control of the number of days each of us lives on this earth and His timing is perfect.
A friend recommended I let people know how they should respond to us. I can understand that you might worry that if you mention him, you will make us sad. Or, maybe you just don’t know what to say, you might be afraid that what you do say may upset us. Please don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. I realize it is awkward to talk to us about this. Speaking for myself, whenever anyone does mention him to me, no matter what you say, what I hear is, “I care.” That is all I need and I really need it. Another thing I have found I relish more than ever lately are all of the hugs. Just a warning though, they help me so much that I may never want to let go. Even though God’s peace is so overwhelming right now and I am usually doing well emotionally, I have another warning - if you ask me how I am doing, please be prepared for the answer, it may involve many tears – usually not, but I never know.
I have been asked how people should pray for us. Do they pray that God calls Matthew home sooner rather than later? This would make the delivery easier and allow for us to move on and heal sooner. (Maybe) However, the truth is, my desire is to carry him for as long as possible, I never want to say good-bye. I look forward to every little kick and movement I feel. I know that, except for God’s divine intervention, even greater pain and loss is coming, but I cherish each day I have with him here on earth. I suppose the best prayer you could pray is simply that God’s will be done and that the family and I have the strength to accept God’s perfect timing and the peace He promises through it all. Also, please continue to pray that our beloved gift from God has a great impact on many lives, that God will use his life in ways we could never have imagined possible.
Thank you again for the notes, calls, and cards. Every kind word, even the simplist "I care," has helped so much more than you realize. God bless you!
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