Happy Birthday, Matthew

Happy birthday,

Matthew David

November 6, 2008

I love you!

I still remember the miracle of you - the sound of your heartbeat, your gentle kicks, the ultrasound pictures as you continued to grow. The day you were born - the feel of your soft skin, the detail of your perfect little lips, your dark hair, cute nose, and tiny precious fingers around mine . . . the incredible joy and peace showered on us that beautiful day by our loving heavenly Father who understood more than anyone else how much we loved you. I loved you long before you were born, the love magnified as a held you in my arms, and continues on until I see you again.

Your life changed mine.

I will carry you . . . all my life.

You are, and will forever be, our Matthew David, beloved gift from God.

Sleep well.

Love,

Mom

Missing Matthew

Matthew, I miss you so much. I am thankful to know you are resting in the arms of Jesus, but oh how I wish you were in my arms. You were and always will be our beloved gift from God. I long for the day I will see your sweet face again and hold you close . . . in God's time. ~Loving you, Mom.

Thank you

Thanks for the prayers. It was a good day.

Back to School

If there is anyone still out there, please pray for me tomorrow as I go back to school. It know it will be bittersweet. I also know that the same God who has been carrying me all along will be very present with me tomorrow too.

God is good.

Video Tribute to Matthew

(be sure to stop the music player at the bottom of the page prior to viewing)

So Beautiful

I realized today that one reason this is so hard is that, like any mother of a newborn baby, I long to show everyone my son. When he was born I was simply in awe of how beautiful he was. I want to dress him in cute little outfits, wrap him in his soft baby blue blanket, and take him everywhere. I want to show off his perfect little fingers and toes, his tiny red lips , and his cute little button nose. I want you to feel his soft skin and be amazed at his head full of dark hair and perfectly formed ears. I keep looking at his pictures over and over again.

As you look at the pictures of our family, I hope you can see the joy we felt as we held him and stared at him, taking in every detail. You might think it would have been a time of great mourning and weeping, but instead my first thought was . . . "He is so beautiful!" Just like any mother, my love for him was extremely intense. I was so proud of him. I could hardly wait for his brothers, sister, and grandparents to meet him. And now, I wish all of you could have met him too. The fact that you can’t makes me sad.

On second thought, maybe I can have a baby shower in heaven where you can meet him . . . you are all invited. I hope to see you there!

Sleep Well, Sweet Son, We Love You. . .

Our son is now safe, perfect, happy, and at peace in the arms of Jesus.

Please know that we cherish every moment we had with Matthew. As difficult as this road has been - in spite of the fact that we miss him more intensely than we could possibly put into words, the fact that our arms ache to hold him, and that our hearts are breaking; we will be eternally grateful that God chose us to be Matthew’s family. That he choose me to carry him. Every single heartbeat was a precious gift from God. Every movement I felt was a gracious reminder of the fact that he was here, that his life mattered. He had meaning and purpose. He was not a mistake. He was carefully formed and knit together by a sovereign and loving God. He lived exactly as long as God planned for him to live.

The moments after his birth were filled with a joy that could only have come from God. We were so happy to meet him, hold him, and love him. We take great comfort in knowing that we will see him again some day. Our precious son, Matthew David – “Beloved Gift from God” will be eternally loved and never forgotten. Because of his life, our family will be forever changed.

Thank you for walking this road with us. Your kind words and many prayers helped sustain us.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Job 1:21






Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Update

My mom is in the hospital. They found out that Matthew died this morning and are awaiting his birth. She asked me to thank you all for your prayers. She feels God granting her peace in this difficult time. - Brandon

I Will Carry You

I Will Carry You
by Todd and Angie Smith

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Today's Appointment

This whole thing continues to be quite an emotional roller coaster. It was nice to see our precious baby moving around and see how he's grown. He still has many things that are right. But overall, the news today was incredibly difficult to see and hear. Matthew also has major things that are not right. The doctor gave us basically no hope of him surviving the birth process. I was starting to think we might have a few minutes, hours, maybe even days to hold him alive. Now, unless God steps in and performs a miracle, it doesn't look like we will have that. We were told that he can survive and grow inside the womb because the organs not functioning correctly don't need to be while he is inside. Once he is born, he cannot survive with the challenges he has.

Please pray that we will continue to have desperately needed comfort and strength from God while it seems like all hope is gone. We may never understand why He hasn’t healed Matthew. Why do we have to hurt so much? Even so, we will trust Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
"For {as} the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Update

I just found out this afternoon that I am scheduled for the amnio and ultrasound in Iowa City tomorrow at 8:00 am. We are also going to talk to the doctors there about the best mode of delievery and where Matthew should be born.

We appreciate your prayers for healing and peace.

I will try to post how it went tomorrow afternoon.

Tis So Sweet . . .

I guess it’s at times like this when the words of a Bible verse or a familiar song you've heard countless times start to take on a whole new meaning. Well, not actually new meaning, but a much deeper meaning. It’s at times like this that you don't just hear the words and simply agree, you feel them deep down in your soul.

For some reason the words to an old hymn came to mind today. I couldn't remember most of it, but I kept thinking about the phrase, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." It brought me great comfort. I will admit that another feeling kept trying to creep in as well, a feeling of fear. The fear that feels like "white water pounding on the soul . . . ", but every time it did I could grasp hold of that trust in Jesus to keep me from succumbing to the waves.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

My heart breaks for those who can't sing this song because they don't understand the trust they could have in Jesus. I pray that somehow those of us who do know can effectively communicate who God is to them and how they too could have a relationship with the One who loves them so intensely.

At my appointment last week, the doctor talked about the fact that Matthew has made it much farther than expected. After our ultrasound at 16 weeks we knew he had only a very slight chance of making it to 20 weeks. At the appointments following that ultrasound we talked about what we would do when his heart stopped beating. The 20 week ultrasound provided a little more hope. The doctor admitted that there was now a chance that Matthew could be born alive, but still mentioned a 1 or 2% chance of making it to 25 weeks. Now that Matthew is still alive and kicking at 26 weeks, she and the NICU doctor she talked to believe he has a good chance of making to term and being born alive.

Our next step is to have an amniocentesis and another ultrasound. After that we will talk to a NICU doctor about Matthew’s delivery. I will be asking for prayer as soon as I find out the date of these tests. As I have mentioned earlier, these appointments can produce a lot of anxiety, so I always appreciate extra prayer.

I spoke to several people today about the journey God has us on. I remember telling some of them how very thankful I am to know without a shadow of a doubt that God is who He says He is and that I can trust Him. He will not leave our side no matter what comes our way. I have a feeling these people have no idea how much their kind words and the love I saw in their eyes encouraged me. They probably didn't realize the extent to which God used them at that specific moment to show me once again that He loves me.

I know I say this so often, but I can't help but say it again. To all of you who listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to encourage a brother or sister, please don't stop! God does use you. When you've prayed that heartfelt prayer, sent a card, brought flowers, made the phone call, asked, "How are you," placed a caring hand on a shoulder, or simply smiled that loving smile. God used you. As people have done this for me, Matthew and our family, it feels like God is reaching down from heaven to tell us that His love is real and we can continue to trust Him. That kind of trust is very sweet.

I am often so incredibly touched by the number of people who tell me they continue to lift us up in prayer. I can not adequately express how truly humbled that makes me feel. To think that God brings us to the hearts of others and they take time out of their busy lives to remember us before our Father overwhelms me. I could ask for no greater gift. Thank you.

Ps. Remember that daughter I mentioned who was about to get her driver’s license? Well today was the day. Look at how excited and thrilled she is! It’s a good thing the camera wasn’t turned on me. . . . I need to remember that trusting in Jesus applies to having a young daughter with a new driver’s license too :)

Prayers for Stacy

Please pray for Stacy, Spencer, and their son Isaac. His birthday will be tomorrow October 7.

He Will Carry Me

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I am a grown-up. It’s hard to believe that I am already 40 years old, have two sons in college, and a daughter who is just about to get her driver’s license. Sometimes I don’t feel like a grown-up, I don’t want to be one. Sometimes I just want to be a little girl who can crawl up into her daddy’s lap and have him make all of the hurt go away. That’s how I feel today.

I wrote last week about God’s amazing grace, about how great He is and how He has been carrying me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and know that to be true. He is still great, He still has a plan, He is still carrying me, and I still trust Him completely, but it still hurts. Why today? Why is it so hard right now? I don’t know.

I went to the doctor yesterday. The news wasn’t bad; nothing has changed for the worse. Matthew’s heart beats strong at 164 beats per minute. I can feel him kick and move. The doctor said she could feel the outline of his body. We even talked about his birth, and how we will take care of him if he is born alive. These were positive things, and yet . . . .

I know that, barring a miracle; we will have to say good-bye to Matthew long before any of us will be ready. At some point, I will actually have to let go of his precious little body. Even though I know his soul will be in heaven with Jesus, that moment will be very, very hard.

Sometimes, when I feel like I just can’t bear it anymore, I have to remember that those are the times when my heavenly Father beckons me to come and crawl into His lap where He will wrap me in His strong arms and, eventually, make the hurt go away.

“He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.” ~Isaiah 40:11

Sing with me . . .

I hope you can hear the song I have playing right now. I hope you can picture the scene in your mind like I can . . . .

”The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice”


I can see millions of people standing in awe, adoration, and thanksgiving. Millions of people who sing because they KNOW. Through their trials and tribulations, they have “tasted and seen that the Lord is good.” They are singing because they BELIEVE . . .


”How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”

”Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb”

Those of you who KNOW and BELIEVE, sing it with me now . . . .

“How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”

Today is Saturday. And today was a beautiful Saturday! A day to enjoy God’s awesome creation. A day I have come to appreciate so much more lately than I used to. A day when I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock. A day where, though I have plenty to do, I get to decide when and how I do it. A day of much needed mental and physical relaxation.

Even though I always feel God’s presence with me and know He has never left me; and even though I really do trust His heart and know He is up to something far better than I can understand; I had been having many rough moments lately. I had gone for two weeks straight with a breakdown every morning at school before the students came. The littlest things would set me off. It was usually related to a computer problem. . . ugh!! During those times, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to stop crying. This left me feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. Yet, just in time, God would pick me up and dust me off before the students arrived and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

Last week was different. It was an amazing gift from a great God! I was able to make it through the entire week without one breakdown. I’m not saying the tears were never close to the surface, but I never “lost it.” For some reason (maybe extra prayers, I’m not sure), God gave me an entire week of strength. All this in spite of the fact that I am still unable to connect any new computers to our network; and in spite of the fact that a network switch gave out in the middle of a class, totally blowing my plans for the students along with the ability of everyone in the school to access the network and the Internet – Again! (No worries, we have a new switch now.) Through it all I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

Throughout the day, I often think of our baby, Matthew. I like thinking about him, I do believe he is a gift from God. Sometimes, though, the thoughts of him make the tears start to form. This week, during those times, at just the right time, someone would give me an encouraging smile, send an email or a text message, give me a card, surprise me with flowers, hug me, or just say the perfect thing and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

When I woke up this morning . . . . I thought of Matthew. As usual, I placed my hands on my expanding tummy and waited for him to kick. He did, a precious and blessed moment. I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”

Then I went into the den to read my Bible and . . . I thought of Matthew. In light of the fact that he has made it farther than expected, is still moving, and has a strong heartbeat, I decided to search the Internet for those statistics again. Probably not a good idea. I was reminded that he only has a 5% chance of making it to term and surviving birth. Yet I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”

My mom and I decided to enjoy the nice weather and take a little road trip. On the way to pick her up . . . . I thought of Matthew. I was thinking I had probably better update my blog and was starting to write what I might say in my head. Again, I felt peace and guess what song came to mind? . . . “How great is our God. . .”

After we drove through Anamosa we passed the cemetery. I asked if she minded if we went in to visit my grandparents’ graves and the grave of my “baby” brother Donald. He was my parents’ first child and died the day he was born in 1965. As we were brushing the dirt and grass off of his marker . . . I thought of Matthew. We continued on, reading the gravestones of all of the other babies who died much too early, many the same day they were born. We could easily sense how much these little ones were loved. Although I could feel the tears starting to well up, I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

When we got back to Cedar Rapids . . . . I thought of Matthew. I remembered that I had wanted to go to Michael’s and buy something to make a memory of Matthew’s handprint. I walked around the store looking for the perfect memory maker. Should I simply dip his little hand in paint and make a handprint that way? How about a mold? I read the back of the package and it said that you have to hold the object in the gel still for a while until it sets. I thought of holding little Matthew’s hand in it, and set the kit back down. I’m not sure if I can do that, can I? Poor little Matthew, isn’t it kind of mean to do that? What if he is no longer breathing, if his heart has stopped, is it wrong to do that? Is it right? I don’t know . . . Later I returned to that spot and picked the kit back up. I decided I could always return it. I do want mementos of his precious life. I want to be able to share them with his grandparents and siblings. I want us always to remember that even if he goes to heaven early, he was here. His life did matter. He made a difference. I felt peace . . . “How great is our God. . .”

As I write this blog . . . I think of Matthew. I feel peace. . . . ““How great is our God. . .”

22 Weeks

Matthew was 22 weeks yesterday. His heartbeat was strong and I still feel him move often :)

A few specific prayer requests I have are that if God does choose to take Matthew home early, He would allow him to live long enough for his brothers and sister to hold him and say goodbye and that Matthew would not suffer pain. Also, please continue to pray for Matthew's life to draw others closer to God and for peace for our family. ~Thank you!

Psalm 139-1-16

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Hugs

I know I haven't written in awhile . . . sometimes it is just hard to know what to say. At our appointment on Wednesday, the doctor seemed to agree that although Matthew has severe complications to overcome, the ultrasound had some positive aspects too. The road we are traveling is certainly a hilly one, but even when I am feeling especially low, I still feel God's incredible strength. Often through many of you.

I wrote last week that I felt like God had given me a great big hug during that ultrasound. As I was thinking about that, I thought about how many times He has hugged me lately through simple acts of kindness. I wonder if you realize how much God has used something as simple as a smile to minister to me. I've felt His hugs though looonnngg talks with family and friends that were willing to just listen. I've felt His hugs through encouraging emails, cards, and phone calls that tell me how much you care. I felt His hug when I found a beautiful bouquet of daisies on my desk yesterday. I feel Him hug me every time someone puts me back together when it feels like I am falling apart. I feel Him hug me through the smiles of the students and the fact that He has always given me strength and composure when it is time to teach. The students are such a blessing to me!

And although I had already seen this video several months ago, I felt Him hug me again as I watched it with my mom today. I know it is rather lengthy, but if you have time, I strongly encourage you to watch it. Todd and Angie Smith's baby was diagnosed with the same thing they think Matthew has.

(Be sure to stop the music I have playing at the bottom of my blog so you can hear the video)


Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

"Even in the shadow of death I will praise you. Even in the valley I will say, 'Holy, my God, you are worthy of all my praise.'" ~Selah (The group Todd Smith sings with)

Peace

Thank you for your prayers. Many people told me they would pray specifically for peace during the ultrasound appointment today, and He answered in a big way. I actually smiled during the process - several times. It was amazing to see all of the things that are right with Matthew. He still has serious complications, but there were good signs too. We were able to see him for a long time, from just about every angle possible. The technician was wonderful and answered all of the questions she was able to.

I know I haven't gone into a lot of detail before about exactly what issues he faces. That is by design. When you picture him, I don't want you to picture what is wrong. I want you to have a picture of a beautiful creation of God. A child formed by Him and loved by Him. This appointment has relieved a lot of the fear I had about the first moment we are able to see Matthew and hold him. We still don’t know when that moment will be or how long his life will bless us on this earth, but we will continue to trust in the heart of God. Even though it is impossible to understand the whys, we are holding tightly to the One in control.

Prayer Request

We have another ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday) at 1:00. Several have asked lately how they could pray specifically for us. One specific request I have is for peace during this appointment. The days and moments leading up to these ultrasounds always cause some anxiety and fear. We so long to hear good news, but we haven't so far. Even though the news was very devastating at the last one, I know God was showering us with His wonderful peace while we were there. Would you please pray for that same peace as we see Matthew again tomorrow? Thank you!
I will try to post after the appointment to let you know how it went.

Stacy's Story

Every day I check a blog written by Stacy, another mother in a similar situation. I consider reading hers posts therapy. I truly believe God led me to her site. The experiences she talked about in her post today "The Fourth Part 2" are very similar to ours. If you have time, and want to further understand how we feel, read this post.
http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your prayers, I know He is listening.