I Will Carry You

I Will Carry You
by Todd and Angie Smith

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Today's Appointment

This whole thing continues to be quite an emotional roller coaster. It was nice to see our precious baby moving around and see how he's grown. He still has many things that are right. But overall, the news today was incredibly difficult to see and hear. Matthew also has major things that are not right. The doctor gave us basically no hope of him surviving the birth process. I was starting to think we might have a few minutes, hours, maybe even days to hold him alive. Now, unless God steps in and performs a miracle, it doesn't look like we will have that. We were told that he can survive and grow inside the womb because the organs not functioning correctly don't need to be while he is inside. Once he is born, he cannot survive with the challenges he has.

Please pray that we will continue to have desperately needed comfort and strength from God while it seems like all hope is gone. We may never understand why He hasn’t healed Matthew. Why do we have to hurt so much? Even so, we will trust Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
"For {as} the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Update

I just found out this afternoon that I am scheduled for the amnio and ultrasound in Iowa City tomorrow at 8:00 am. We are also going to talk to the doctors there about the best mode of delievery and where Matthew should be born.

We appreciate your prayers for healing and peace.

I will try to post how it went tomorrow afternoon.

Tis So Sweet . . .

I guess it’s at times like this when the words of a Bible verse or a familiar song you've heard countless times start to take on a whole new meaning. Well, not actually new meaning, but a much deeper meaning. It’s at times like this that you don't just hear the words and simply agree, you feel them deep down in your soul.

For some reason the words to an old hymn came to mind today. I couldn't remember most of it, but I kept thinking about the phrase, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." It brought me great comfort. I will admit that another feeling kept trying to creep in as well, a feeling of fear. The fear that feels like "white water pounding on the soul . . . ", but every time it did I could grasp hold of that trust in Jesus to keep me from succumbing to the waves.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

My heart breaks for those who can't sing this song because they don't understand the trust they could have in Jesus. I pray that somehow those of us who do know can effectively communicate who God is to them and how they too could have a relationship with the One who loves them so intensely.

At my appointment last week, the doctor talked about the fact that Matthew has made it much farther than expected. After our ultrasound at 16 weeks we knew he had only a very slight chance of making it to 20 weeks. At the appointments following that ultrasound we talked about what we would do when his heart stopped beating. The 20 week ultrasound provided a little more hope. The doctor admitted that there was now a chance that Matthew could be born alive, but still mentioned a 1 or 2% chance of making it to 25 weeks. Now that Matthew is still alive and kicking at 26 weeks, she and the NICU doctor she talked to believe he has a good chance of making to term and being born alive.

Our next step is to have an amniocentesis and another ultrasound. After that we will talk to a NICU doctor about Matthew’s delivery. I will be asking for prayer as soon as I find out the date of these tests. As I have mentioned earlier, these appointments can produce a lot of anxiety, so I always appreciate extra prayer.

I spoke to several people today about the journey God has us on. I remember telling some of them how very thankful I am to know without a shadow of a doubt that God is who He says He is and that I can trust Him. He will not leave our side no matter what comes our way. I have a feeling these people have no idea how much their kind words and the love I saw in their eyes encouraged me. They probably didn't realize the extent to which God used them at that specific moment to show me once again that He loves me.

I know I say this so often, but I can't help but say it again. To all of you who listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to encourage a brother or sister, please don't stop! God does use you. When you've prayed that heartfelt prayer, sent a card, brought flowers, made the phone call, asked, "How are you," placed a caring hand on a shoulder, or simply smiled that loving smile. God used you. As people have done this for me, Matthew and our family, it feels like God is reaching down from heaven to tell us that His love is real and we can continue to trust Him. That kind of trust is very sweet.

I am often so incredibly touched by the number of people who tell me they continue to lift us up in prayer. I can not adequately express how truly humbled that makes me feel. To think that God brings us to the hearts of others and they take time out of their busy lives to remember us before our Father overwhelms me. I could ask for no greater gift. Thank you.

Ps. Remember that daughter I mentioned who was about to get her driver’s license? Well today was the day. Look at how excited and thrilled she is! It’s a good thing the camera wasn’t turned on me. . . . I need to remember that trusting in Jesus applies to having a young daughter with a new driver’s license too :)

Prayers for Stacy

Please pray for Stacy, Spencer, and their son Isaac. His birthday will be tomorrow October 7.

He Will Carry Me

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I am a grown-up. It’s hard to believe that I am already 40 years old, have two sons in college, and a daughter who is just about to get her driver’s license. Sometimes I don’t feel like a grown-up, I don’t want to be one. Sometimes I just want to be a little girl who can crawl up into her daddy’s lap and have him make all of the hurt go away. That’s how I feel today.

I wrote last week about God’s amazing grace, about how great He is and how He has been carrying me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and know that to be true. He is still great, He still has a plan, He is still carrying me, and I still trust Him completely, but it still hurts. Why today? Why is it so hard right now? I don’t know.

I went to the doctor yesterday. The news wasn’t bad; nothing has changed for the worse. Matthew’s heart beats strong at 164 beats per minute. I can feel him kick and move. The doctor said she could feel the outline of his body. We even talked about his birth, and how we will take care of him if he is born alive. These were positive things, and yet . . . .

I know that, barring a miracle; we will have to say good-bye to Matthew long before any of us will be ready. At some point, I will actually have to let go of his precious little body. Even though I know his soul will be in heaven with Jesus, that moment will be very, very hard.

Sometimes, when I feel like I just can’t bear it anymore, I have to remember that those are the times when my heavenly Father beckons me to come and crawl into His lap where He will wrap me in His strong arms and, eventually, make the hurt go away.

“He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.” ~Isaiah 40:11

Sing with me . . .

I hope you can hear the song I have playing right now. I hope you can picture the scene in your mind like I can . . . .

”The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice”


I can see millions of people standing in awe, adoration, and thanksgiving. Millions of people who sing because they KNOW. Through their trials and tribulations, they have “tasted and seen that the Lord is good.” They are singing because they BELIEVE . . .


”How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”

”Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb”

Those of you who KNOW and BELIEVE, sing it with me now . . . .

“How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”

Today is Saturday. And today was a beautiful Saturday! A day to enjoy God’s awesome creation. A day I have come to appreciate so much more lately than I used to. A day when I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock. A day where, though I have plenty to do, I get to decide when and how I do it. A day of much needed mental and physical relaxation.

Even though I always feel God’s presence with me and know He has never left me; and even though I really do trust His heart and know He is up to something far better than I can understand; I had been having many rough moments lately. I had gone for two weeks straight with a breakdown every morning at school before the students came. The littlest things would set me off. It was usually related to a computer problem. . . ugh!! During those times, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to stop crying. This left me feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. Yet, just in time, God would pick me up and dust me off before the students arrived and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

Last week was different. It was an amazing gift from a great God! I was able to make it through the entire week without one breakdown. I’m not saying the tears were never close to the surface, but I never “lost it.” For some reason (maybe extra prayers, I’m not sure), God gave me an entire week of strength. All this in spite of the fact that I am still unable to connect any new computers to our network; and in spite of the fact that a network switch gave out in the middle of a class, totally blowing my plans for the students along with the ability of everyone in the school to access the network and the Internet – Again! (No worries, we have a new switch now.) Through it all I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

Throughout the day, I often think of our baby, Matthew. I like thinking about him, I do believe he is a gift from God. Sometimes, though, the thoughts of him make the tears start to form. This week, during those times, at just the right time, someone would give me an encouraging smile, send an email or a text message, give me a card, surprise me with flowers, hug me, or just say the perfect thing and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

When I woke up this morning . . . . I thought of Matthew. As usual, I placed my hands on my expanding tummy and waited for him to kick. He did, a precious and blessed moment. I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”

Then I went into the den to read my Bible and . . . I thought of Matthew. In light of the fact that he has made it farther than expected, is still moving, and has a strong heartbeat, I decided to search the Internet for those statistics again. Probably not a good idea. I was reminded that he only has a 5% chance of making it to term and surviving birth. Yet I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”

My mom and I decided to enjoy the nice weather and take a little road trip. On the way to pick her up . . . . I thought of Matthew. I was thinking I had probably better update my blog and was starting to write what I might say in my head. Again, I felt peace and guess what song came to mind? . . . “How great is our God. . .”

After we drove through Anamosa we passed the cemetery. I asked if she minded if we went in to visit my grandparents’ graves and the grave of my “baby” brother Donald. He was my parents’ first child and died the day he was born in 1965. As we were brushing the dirt and grass off of his marker . . . I thought of Matthew. We continued on, reading the gravestones of all of the other babies who died much too early, many the same day they were born. We could easily sense how much these little ones were loved. Although I could feel the tears starting to well up, I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”

When we got back to Cedar Rapids . . . . I thought of Matthew. I remembered that I had wanted to go to Michael’s and buy something to make a memory of Matthew’s handprint. I walked around the store looking for the perfect memory maker. Should I simply dip his little hand in paint and make a handprint that way? How about a mold? I read the back of the package and it said that you have to hold the object in the gel still for a while until it sets. I thought of holding little Matthew’s hand in it, and set the kit back down. I’m not sure if I can do that, can I? Poor little Matthew, isn’t it kind of mean to do that? What if he is no longer breathing, if his heart has stopped, is it wrong to do that? Is it right? I don’t know . . . Later I returned to that spot and picked the kit back up. I decided I could always return it. I do want mementos of his precious life. I want to be able to share them with his grandparents and siblings. I want us always to remember that even if he goes to heaven early, he was here. His life did matter. He made a difference. I felt peace . . . “How great is our God. . .”

As I write this blog . . . I think of Matthew. I feel peace. . . . ““How great is our God. . .”