Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I am a grown-up. It’s hard to believe that I am already 40 years old, have two sons in college, and a daughter who is just about to get her driver’s license. Sometimes I don’t feel like a grown-up, I don’t want to be one. Sometimes I just want to be a little girl who can crawl up into her daddy’s lap and have him make all of the hurt go away. That’s how I feel today.
I wrote last week about God’s amazing grace, about how great He is and how He has been carrying me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and know that to be true. He is still great, He still has a plan, He is still carrying me, and I still trust Him completely, but it still hurts. Why today? Why is it so hard right now? I don’t know.
I went to the doctor yesterday. The news wasn’t bad; nothing has changed for the worse. Matthew’s heart beats strong at 164 beats per minute. I can feel him kick and move. The doctor said she could feel the outline of his body. We even talked about his birth, and how we will take care of him if he is born alive. These were positive things, and yet . . . .
I know that, barring a miracle; we will have to say good-bye to Matthew long before any of us will be ready. At some point, I will actually have to let go of his precious little body. Even though I know his soul will be in heaven with Jesus, that moment will be very, very hard.
Sometimes, when I feel like I just can’t bear it anymore, I have to remember that those are the times when my heavenly Father beckons me to come and crawl into His lap where He will wrap me in His strong arms and, eventually, make the hurt go away.
“He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.” ~Isaiah 40:11
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sing with me . . .
I hope you can hear the song I have playing right now. I hope you can picture the scene in your mind like I can . . . .
”The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice”
I can see millions of people standing in awe, adoration, and thanksgiving. Millions of people who sing because they KNOW. Through their trials and tribulations, they have “tasted and seen that the Lord is good.” They are singing because they BELIEVE . . .
”How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”
”Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb”
Those of you who KNOW and BELIEVE, sing it with me now . . . .
“How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”
Today is Saturday. And today was a beautiful Saturday! A day to enjoy God’s awesome creation. A day I have come to appreciate so much more lately than I used to. A day when I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock. A day where, though I have plenty to do, I get to decide when and how I do it. A day of much needed mental and physical relaxation.
Even though I always feel God’s presence with me and know He has never left me; and even though I really do trust His heart and know He is up to something far better than I can understand; I had been having many rough moments lately. I had gone for two weeks straight with a breakdown every morning at school before the students came. The littlest things would set me off. It was usually related to a computer problem. . . ugh!! During those times, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to stop crying. This left me feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. Yet, just in time, God would pick me up and dust me off before the students arrived and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
Last week was different. It was an amazing gift from a great God! I was able to make it through the entire week without one breakdown. I’m not saying the tears were never close to the surface, but I never “lost it.” For some reason (maybe extra prayers, I’m not sure), God gave me an entire week of strength. All this in spite of the fact that I am still unable to connect any new computers to our network; and in spite of the fact that a network switch gave out in the middle of a class, totally blowing my plans for the students along with the ability of everyone in the school to access the network and the Internet – Again! (No worries, we have a new switch now.) Through it all I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
Throughout the day, I often think of our baby, Matthew. I like thinking about him, I do believe he is a gift from God. Sometimes, though, the thoughts of him make the tears start to form. This week, during those times, at just the right time, someone would give me an encouraging smile, send an email or a text message, give me a card, surprise me with flowers, hug me, or just say the perfect thing and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
When I woke up this morning . . . . I thought of Matthew. As usual, I placed my hands on my expanding tummy and waited for him to kick. He did, a precious and blessed moment. I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”
Then I went into the den to read my Bible and . . . I thought of Matthew. In light of the fact that he has made it farther than expected, is still moving, and has a strong heartbeat, I decided to search the Internet for those statistics again. Probably not a good idea. I was reminded that he only has a 5% chance of making it to term and surviving birth. Yet I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”
My mom and I decided to enjoy the nice weather and take a little road trip. On the way to pick her up . . . . I thought of Matthew. I was thinking I had probably better update my blog and was starting to write what I might say in my head. Again, I felt peace and guess what song came to mind? . . . “How great is our God. . .”
After we drove through Anamosa we passed the cemetery. I asked if she minded if we went in to visit my grandparents’ graves and the grave of my “baby” brother Donald. He was my parents’ first child and died the day he was born in 1965. As we were brushing the dirt and grass off of his marker . . . I thought of Matthew. We continued on, reading the gravestones of all of the other babies who died much too early, many the same day they were born. We could easily sense how much these little ones were loved. Although I could feel the tears starting to well up, I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
When we got back to Cedar Rapids . . . . I thought of Matthew. I remembered that I had wanted to go to Michael’s and buy something to make a memory of Matthew’s handprint. I walked around the store looking for the perfect memory maker. Should I simply dip his little hand in paint and make a handprint that way? How about a mold? I read the back of the package and it said that you have to hold the object in the gel still for a while until it sets. I thought of holding little Matthew’s hand in it, and set the kit back down. I’m not sure if I can do that, can I? Poor little Matthew, isn’t it kind of mean to do that? What if he is no longer breathing, if his heart has stopped, is it wrong to do that? Is it right? I don’t know . . . Later I returned to that spot and picked the kit back up. I decided I could always return it. I do want mementos of his precious life. I want to be able to share them with his grandparents and siblings. I want us always to remember that even if he goes to heaven early, he was here. His life did matter. He made a difference. I felt peace . . . “How great is our God. . .”
As I write this blog . . . I think of Matthew. I feel peace. . . . ““How great is our God. . .”
”The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice”
I can see millions of people standing in awe, adoration, and thanksgiving. Millions of people who sing because they KNOW. Through their trials and tribulations, they have “tasted and seen that the Lord is good.” They are singing because they BELIEVE . . .
”How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”
”Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb”
Those of you who KNOW and BELIEVE, sing it with me now . . . .
“How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God”
Today is Saturday. And today was a beautiful Saturday! A day to enjoy God’s awesome creation. A day I have come to appreciate so much more lately than I used to. A day when I don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock. A day where, though I have plenty to do, I get to decide when and how I do it. A day of much needed mental and physical relaxation.
Even though I always feel God’s presence with me and know He has never left me; and even though I really do trust His heart and know He is up to something far better than I can understand; I had been having many rough moments lately. I had gone for two weeks straight with a breakdown every morning at school before the students came. The littlest things would set me off. It was usually related to a computer problem. . . ugh!! During those times, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to stop crying. This left me feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. Yet, just in time, God would pick me up and dust me off before the students arrived and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
Last week was different. It was an amazing gift from a great God! I was able to make it through the entire week without one breakdown. I’m not saying the tears were never close to the surface, but I never “lost it.” For some reason (maybe extra prayers, I’m not sure), God gave me an entire week of strength. All this in spite of the fact that I am still unable to connect any new computers to our network; and in spite of the fact that a network switch gave out in the middle of a class, totally blowing my plans for the students along with the ability of everyone in the school to access the network and the Internet – Again! (No worries, we have a new switch now.) Through it all I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
Throughout the day, I often think of our baby, Matthew. I like thinking about him, I do believe he is a gift from God. Sometimes, though, the thoughts of him make the tears start to form. This week, during those times, at just the right time, someone would give me an encouraging smile, send an email or a text message, give me a card, surprise me with flowers, hug me, or just say the perfect thing and I would feel peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
When I woke up this morning . . . . I thought of Matthew. As usual, I placed my hands on my expanding tummy and waited for him to kick. He did, a precious and blessed moment. I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”
Then I went into the den to read my Bible and . . . I thought of Matthew. In light of the fact that he has made it farther than expected, is still moving, and has a strong heartbeat, I decided to search the Internet for those statistics again. Probably not a good idea. I was reminded that he only has a 5% chance of making it to term and surviving birth. Yet I felt peace. . . “How great is our God. . .”
My mom and I decided to enjoy the nice weather and take a little road trip. On the way to pick her up . . . . I thought of Matthew. I was thinking I had probably better update my blog and was starting to write what I might say in my head. Again, I felt peace and guess what song came to mind? . . . “How great is our God. . .”
After we drove through Anamosa we passed the cemetery. I asked if she minded if we went in to visit my grandparents’ graves and the grave of my “baby” brother Donald. He was my parents’ first child and died the day he was born in 1965. As we were brushing the dirt and grass off of his marker . . . I thought of Matthew. We continued on, reading the gravestones of all of the other babies who died much too early, many the same day they were born. We could easily sense how much these little ones were loved. Although I could feel the tears starting to well up, I felt peace. . . . “How great is our God. . .”
When we got back to Cedar Rapids . . . . I thought of Matthew. I remembered that I had wanted to go to Michael’s and buy something to make a memory of Matthew’s handprint. I walked around the store looking for the perfect memory maker. Should I simply dip his little hand in paint and make a handprint that way? How about a mold? I read the back of the package and it said that you have to hold the object in the gel still for a while until it sets. I thought of holding little Matthew’s hand in it, and set the kit back down. I’m not sure if I can do that, can I? Poor little Matthew, isn’t it kind of mean to do that? What if he is no longer breathing, if his heart has stopped, is it wrong to do that? Is it right? I don’t know . . . Later I returned to that spot and picked the kit back up. I decided I could always return it. I do want mementos of his precious life. I want to be able to share them with his grandparents and siblings. I want us always to remember that even if he goes to heaven early, he was here. His life did matter. He made a difference. I felt peace . . . “How great is our God. . .”
As I write this blog . . . I think of Matthew. I feel peace. . . . ““How great is our God. . .”
Saturday, September 13, 2008
22 Weeks
Matthew was 22 weeks yesterday. His heartbeat was strong and I still feel him move often :)
A few specific prayer requests I have are that if God does choose to take Matthew home early, He would allow him to live long enough for his brothers and sister to hold him and say goodbye and that Matthew would not suffer pain. Also, please continue to pray for Matthew's life to draw others closer to God and for peace for our family. ~Thank you!
Psalm 139-1-16
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
A few specific prayer requests I have are that if God does choose to take Matthew home early, He would allow him to live long enough for his brothers and sister to hold him and say goodbye and that Matthew would not suffer pain. Also, please continue to pray for Matthew's life to draw others closer to God and for peace for our family. ~Thank you!
Psalm 139-1-16
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Hugs
I know I haven't written in awhile . . . sometimes it is just hard to know what to say. At our appointment on Wednesday, the doctor seemed to agree that although Matthew has severe complications to overcome, the ultrasound had some positive aspects too. The road we are traveling is certainly a hilly one, but even when I am feeling especially low, I still feel God's incredible strength. Often through many of you.
I wrote last week that I felt like God had given me a great big hug during that ultrasound. As I was thinking about that, I thought about how many times He has hugged me lately through simple acts of kindness. I wonder if you realize how much God has used something as simple as a smile to minister to me. I've felt His hugs though looonnngg talks with family and friends that were willing to just listen. I've felt His hugs through encouraging emails, cards, and phone calls that tell me how much you care. I felt His hug when I found a beautiful bouquet of daisies on my desk yesterday. I feel Him hug me every time someone puts me back together when it feels like I am falling apart. I feel Him hug me through the smiles of the students and the fact that He has always given me strength and composure when it is time to teach. The students are such a blessing to me!
And although I had already seen this video several months ago, I felt Him hug me again as I watched it with my mom today. I know it is rather lengthy, but if you have time, I strongly encourage you to watch it. Todd and Angie Smith's baby was diagnosed with the same thing they think Matthew has.
(Be sure to stop the music I have playing at the bottom of my blog so you can hear the video)
Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.
"Even in the shadow of death I will praise you. Even in the valley I will say, 'Holy, my God, you are worthy of all my praise.'" ~Selah (The group Todd Smith sings with)
I wrote last week that I felt like God had given me a great big hug during that ultrasound. As I was thinking about that, I thought about how many times He has hugged me lately through simple acts of kindness. I wonder if you realize how much God has used something as simple as a smile to minister to me. I've felt His hugs though looonnngg talks with family and friends that were willing to just listen. I've felt His hugs through encouraging emails, cards, and phone calls that tell me how much you care. I felt His hug when I found a beautiful bouquet of daisies on my desk yesterday. I feel Him hug me every time someone puts me back together when it feels like I am falling apart. I feel Him hug me through the smiles of the students and the fact that He has always given me strength and composure when it is time to teach. The students are such a blessing to me!
And although I had already seen this video several months ago, I felt Him hug me again as I watched it with my mom today. I know it is rather lengthy, but if you have time, I strongly encourage you to watch it. Todd and Angie Smith's baby was diagnosed with the same thing they think Matthew has.
(Be sure to stop the music I have playing at the bottom of my blog so you can hear the video)
Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.
"Even in the shadow of death I will praise you. Even in the valley I will say, 'Holy, my God, you are worthy of all my praise.'" ~Selah (The group Todd Smith sings with)
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