Sometimes . . .

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I am a grown-up. It’s hard to believe that I am already 40 years old, have two sons in college, and a daughter who is just about to get her driver’s license. Sometimes I don’t feel like a grown-up, I don’t want to be one. Sometimes I just want to be a little girl who can crawl up into her daddy’s lap and have him make all of the hurt go away. That’s how I feel today.

I wrote last week about God’s amazing grace, about how great He is and how He has been carrying me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and know that to be true. He is still great, He still has a plan, He is still carrying me, and I still trust Him completely, but it still hurts. Why today? Why is it so hard right now? I don’t know.

I went to the doctor yesterday. The news wasn’t bad; nothing has changed for the worse. Matthew’s heart beats strong at 164 beats per minute. I can feel him kick and move. The doctor said she could feel the outline of his body. We even talked about his birth, and how we will take care of him if he is born alive. These were positive things, and yet . . . .

I know that, barring a miracle; we will have to say good-bye to Matthew long before any of us will be ready. At some point, I will actually have to let go of his precious little body. Even though I know his soul will be in heaven with Jesus, that moment will be very, very hard.

Sometimes, when I feel like I just can’t bear it anymore, I have to remember that those are the times when my heavenly Father beckons me to come and crawl into His lap where He will wrap me in His strong arms and, eventually, make the hurt go away.

“He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.” ~Isaiah 40:11